


The Finer Points Of Plantsitting

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Altered Mental States, Anal Sex, Bulges, Dubious Consentacles, M/M, Pesterlog, Plant sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Canon, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 09:39:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11506722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: Jade & Davepeta are taking off on a presumably romantic weekend retreat. Dave and Karkat are left in charge of the plants.It's just one weekend. There's no way this goes wrong.Or, uh. Gets weird. Right???





	The Finer Points Of Plantsitting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [icel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icel/gifts).



> Thank you so much for this fucking delightful prompt. 
> 
> (For everyone else: If you haven't read the tags, please do. If you HAVE read the tags and are here anyway, NICE. go forth & god speed.)

TG: i want you to know this hive of yours is totally out of control  
TG: if im being honest right now and i think i am i was actually kinda nervous about this job  
TG: i dont know the first goddamn thing about greenhouses and gardens and perennials or annuals or whatever  
TG: in fact i didnt even know what perennials referred to until about thirty minutes ago when karkat smugly lectured me about it so thanks for being at least half at fault for that bullshit situation  
TG: like thanks karkat if i wanted to read a fucking wikipedia page i coulda just googled it myself  
GG: are you there now??   
TG: yes  
GG: at my hive? :O  
TG: its a nightmare  
TG: a tangled hell jungle that rivals the ACTUAL jungle i know we both know all about because our mutual family kinda lives in it  
GG: it is not a nightmare!  
GG: its a beautiful green dream full of diverse and amazing flora that you had better be taking very good care of because you promised that you would!!!  
GG: some of those are totally new species and im going to be real mad if you and karkat let anything die   
GG: but it shouldnt be that hard  
GG: just follow the instructions we gave you and youll be fine!   
TG: okay but listen   
TG: part of these instructions say to fertilize this shit and jade  
TG: im just not sure i can do that from a moral standpoint  
TG: fuck fertilizer wheres the weed killer   
GG: do NOT use weed killer!!! :(  
TG: im one hundred percent sure theres at least one kind of heinous superplant bent on world destruction incubating in this manufactured jungle  
TG: what hath science wrought  
TG: what science hath you wrought, specifically  
GG: ok, i know you are trying to be funny, but youre actually kind of being a little shit right now  
TG: wow  
GG: just so you know!  
TG: jade  
GG: no, listen!! >:O  
GG: i know that youre capable of doing this because davepeta said youd be just fine and they are very qualified to speak with authority on the matter of what you can or cant do whether you like it or not!  
TG: hey hold up  
GG: so take those very thorough and easy to follow instructions and just follow them to the letter and well be back before you know it!  
GG: it's just ONE weekend dave  
GG: and you promised you would do this for me and it's too late to back out now!!! :|  
TG: im not backing out  
TG: im just saying  
TG: this is fucking bonkers  
TG: theres barely any room to even walk in here i think you need an intervention  
GG: im going now  
TG: wait  
GG: bye dave and good luck!! i know you and karkat will do just great! and if you dont im going to MURDER YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS when im back :)  
TG: whoa  
GG: just kidding  
GG: but ill be really sad :(  
TG: aw no  
TG: btw  
TG: tell your catbird boyfriend he doesnt know me  
TG: or what i am and am not capable of  
TG: bullshit  
TG: also i promise i wont use weed killer on your stupid dangerous excessive plant jungle  
TG: doubt it would do much anyway  
TG: this is self sustaining by now  
TG: an endless loop eternally feeding on itself bound to expand across the globe and kill us all  
TG: rip earth c you had a good run  
GG: you are so dramatic :')  
GG: bye and good luck and davepeta says to just believe in yourself and you can do anything!!!   
TG: well thats it then all our problems are solved forever  
TG: thanks davepeta  


A tap on his shoulder startles him badly enough that he nearly drops his phone, but of course it's just Karkat. Karkat, peering at him in the shadowy, half-lit gloom from beneath the boughs of some intimidating jungle-plant rife with fern leaves bigger than his head. There are these massive skylights in the ceiling, but the plants are so fucking _big_ that here on the ground floor it's nothing but shady. Karkat's eyes are all glinty and cat-like, catching the light and reflecting it back. It's honestly kind of awesome. Roxy explained it to him, once. Some kinda special shit at the back of their eyeballs to help with their night vision, or -- Fuck. 

Karkat is raising his eyebrow at him, and he's just standing there stupidly ruminating about his boyfriend's eyes like a rube. He stands up straighter, blinks innocently, and clears his throat. 

"What? Did you find the fertilizer?" 

"No, but I did get a message from Jade, explaining that if she comes back to a wilted hive she's going knock our blocks off." Karkat shoots a meaningful look at his phone, which Dave is trying and failing to slide stealthily back into his pocket. "What did you say to her?" 

He shrugs. "Just told her the truth. That this place is a fucking biohazard! How do they live in this?" Dave points at the nearest window, which has vines blooming with tiny purple flowers crawling up and out of it and off onto the roof and beyond. 

"I can't believe you of all people are complaining to me about biohazards. You've left _actual_ biohazards in our toilet on more than one occasion, you realize." 

"Okay, firstly, that is not even remotely on this level. Call me when a fucking vine starts growing up through the ceiling out of it, then maybe, possibly it'll be even one percent applicable to what I'm saying, right now." He gestures around. "Jade and that damn catbird have recreated an entire biome, here. We're going to stumble into the deadly waters of the Earth-C Amazon any second. Like forgive me for pulling a Terezi real quick, but it even _smells_ fucking green, in here, okay? Gonna get leeched to death and some fuckin massive anaconda or whatever is going to swallow up our remains, they'll never find us." 

"Will you please stop whining and grab a watering apparatus so we can get this over with? It's not that bad!" 

But he actually looks a little nervous, now. He gestures at the wound up hose hanging on a hook near the entryway, and Dave trudges over to it, examining the instructions left in eye-rending glowing text beside it.

use this on the big guys! then purress the buttons on the panels next to each bed! THEN pull the levfurr in the back and stand WAY back unless you wanna get r33l familiar with some very furrocious but mostly well m33ning new friends. i m33n im not gonna judge your decisions or anything this is post-earth fr33 time and you have the furr33dom to choose your own destiny and i think thats great. do what you want as long as what you want involves f33ding all these beautiful plants because jade loves them!  
  
good luck and i believe in you!  


"God," Dave says, squinting at it. "That's not cryptic at all, no sir." 

"Shut up and start watering," Karkat says. Dave shrugs, pulls the nozzle off the wall, then turns and aims it directly at Karkat, who has actually been stupid enough to turn his back to him in an ill advised attempt to actually be productive, or something. Dave grins and pulls the lever. 

A jet of water shoots out of the nozzle and hits Karkat squarely between his shoulderblades -- back bone slats or scapular husks or whatever the fuck they are today -- and Karkat straight up screeches, whirling with this high-pitched alien distress cry that makes the hair on Dave's arms stand up even while he's doubling over for a bout of explosive laughter. He loses his grip on the nozzle lever and the water blast drops off, and Karkat rushes him with murder written in every line of his expression. Dave is too busy laughing to give a shit about his impending death. Karkat crashes into him with an unceremonious _whump_ , and Dave half-heartedly wrestles him for control of the nozzle for a few brief seconds. Breathless laughter makes his traitorous limbs too weak to win the contest, and Karkat turns it back around on him, blasting him point-blank in the chest with a piercing jet. 

Dave pinwheels backward, holding his hands up against the spray, which does practically nothing. He's drenched in no time. "Fuck," he pants, still half-laughing, "Stop! Karkat, that shit _hurts--_ " And it does, at this distance. Karkat pulses the nozzle at him a few more times, and it's kind of embarrassing how Dave's heart still swells up at the sight of him laughing, even after all this time. They probably would have kept going like this for awhile except... 

Except. 

A weird shudder-rustle goes through the hive, and the green leaves surrounding them on all sides shiver together like they would if a breeze had just blown through the block. But of course they're indoors, and the air is perfectly still. A faint thump resounds from the back. Dave turns to peer after the source, Karkat following to do the same in an almost identical motion. There's no carpet in this hive, oh no, no tile or sensible wood flooring. Just a mossy damp peat path between raised beds full of jungle flora, and it's impossible to see the back of it from here in the front. 

Dave swallows. 

"Okay, but Jade wouldn't have left us here at the mercy of a literal deathtrap," he says. 

"I don't know," Karkat replies, and he does indeed sound incredibly unsure. "There was a time when she was extremely not fond of me. Maybe this is her carefully plotted years-long revenge, come to glorious fruition at last." 

"I'll grant you that," Dave says, and Karkat elbows him, hard, "But I had absolutely jack and shit to do with that and she's always been fair, man, she wouldn't doom me, too." 

"Are you sure about that?" Karkat asks, and Dave says nothing, and they just stand there for a minute, staring back at nothing. Karkat tugs his arm and points. "Look," he says, and he's pointing at the floor. Dave's brow wrinkles, and he opens his mouth to demand an explanation, but then it hits him. He inhales, sharply.

The floor is sloped just enough that the excess water from their stupid hose fight has trickled right down the path, leaving a muddle little rivulet in its wake. It winds down into the unknown at the back of the hive and Dave is suddenly extremely sure that he wants nothing to do with whatever it is that it woke up, back there. He shakes his head. 

"Fuck this, dude. Let's just water these and peace out, they're only going to be gone for like, what, three days? Plants like this aren't gonna wilt that fast, they'll be fine --" 

"Presumably, she fucking sleeps somewhere in here!" Karkat cuts him off, face all scrunched up in that way he gets when he's about to be extremely stubborn. Dave sighs. "Jade has not been cultivating some kind of murderous frondbeast bent on our destruction. Look. I promised her I'd take care of her stupid fucking plants and that is exactly what I'm going to do, because frankly, I think Jade herself is scarier than whatever is back there, don't you?" 

Dave feels his shoulders slump. "I _guess,_ " he says.

"Also, Jade is our friend and I generally try to keep promises to my friends." 

Dave snorts. "Also, like, since we're getting all cheesy, Davepeta totally believes in us and shit." He straightens. "Okay, here. I'll get these, you find whatever fucking panels they're talking about, let's just get this done real fast so we can go." 

"Fine." 

But they're just standing there. Dave holds his hand out and raises his eyebrows. Karkat hesitates, then hands the hose back over. 

"If you squirt me with that again I'm going to strangle you with it," he says. 

"I'm not gonna, but I want you to know that it's not because of what you just said, it's just that I'm not gonna make whatever's going on back there," he gestures vacantly to the back, "even worse." 

"Fair," Karkat says, and then they split up to work. 

Dave edges carefully around the raised beds built throughout the hive, spraying the base of the "big guys," as Davepeta so aptly described them. He's very careful not to let even a drop of water leak out of the garden beds and onto the floor. Unfortunately, his journey takes him further back along the path than he might have strictly preferred, and he can't help but sneak glances around. There are tons of flower beds, and they're actually kinda pretty, blooming in red and orange and purple, like a tropical sunset. He winces. A tropical fucking sunset, really, why doesn't he just start writing some god damn poetry. Compose a few ballads. He lets the hose drop, peering around, looking for whatever fucking lever Davepeta's note was talking about. Must be further back. 

"Fuck it," he mutters. Somewhere back behind him through all the absurd foliage, he can hear an almost musical cacophony of electronic beeps as Karkat fiddles with the garden control panels -- he must have found them -- and there's a _hiss_ as a faint mist kicks up overhead, born from tiny spigots in the ceiling. There's a series of emphatic and creative curses, and Dave grins. "Sounds like he's gonna be busy for awhile," he says to himself, conversationally, "so I guess like usual Dave Strider's gotta step up and be the big hero, this time, ominous lever finding in the garden edition." Narrating the experience makes him feel less absurdly and irrationally anxious. 

"Here on the left," he continues, examining a few sandy boxes with fat succulent-type greenery poking out of them, "is a bunch of boxes that look way too much like oversized litter trays for comfort, considering a human-bird-cat lives here and probably would just love to shit regularly in a human sized litterbox. ...No, no fucking way, Jade would never put up with it." He kicks the side of it, like he's admonishing it for making him think these thoughts. "And on the right..." 

He turns and blinks. A big but otherwise comparatively normal-looking plant tucked near the corner, broad leaves tucked all up against itself like an artichoke. It's kind of fat and squat, like a pitcher plant. "The ugliest plant I've ever seen," Dave decides, continuing on his personally narrated garden safari. "I swear to god, I bet there isn't even a lever, back here. Davepeta's probably just fucking with us, getting us all worked up over nothing so he and Jade can laugh about it later." 

Something nearby clicks softly, and he startles badly enough to be glad that Karkat wasn't back here with him to see it. A nozzle pops out of a panel in the wall, and a faintly sweet-smelling spritz issues forth from it over the flower beds. Around him, something similar is happening for most of the smaller plants, all arranged neatly in their soil beds. 

"Dave?" Karkat calls from the front. "Are you back there?" Looks like at least one of them figured out their end of the garden tech tour. Dave takes a second to wonder why they don't just automate all of it, and then it hits him and he sighs. Probably because Jade would actually enjoy the manual effort, fawning over and pampering her leafy green collection. He kicks a clump of wet path-dirt back toward where he dropped the hose. "Dave?" Karkat repeats, and he sounds a little closer, but more importantly, he actually sounds kinda worried. 

It's stupid how that makes these faint warm feelings swirl around his middle. 

"Yeah," Dave calls back, turning around to backtrack the way he came. "Lookin' for that mysterious lever that's supposed to be here, so we can wrap this nonsense up, already." 

"You mean this?" Karkat says, and Dave frowns, and there's a heavy _chunk_ noise. Another plastic _click_ sounds from up above, and a new set of nozzles emerge in the rounded back corners of the hive, pissing out a cloying spray of sweet-smelling liquid Dave is fairly sure is not actually water. He blinks up, nose wrinkling.

He has just enough time for the bad feeling in his guts to sink in good and deep before he hears the wet rustle of disturbed foliage, and something scraping along the floor toward him, fast. His heart lurches into overdrive, but his instincts have dulled a little in the years of, you know, living fucking happily ever after or whatever, so by the time he's realized what's happening, there are already two thick vines wrapping their way around his ankles. 

"Oh fuck _this,_ " he gasps, and he at least has the decency to think _sorry, Jade,_ before he's decaptchaloguing his sword and preparing to literally murder one of her precious hell plants in cold blood. 

Only, it seems to realize his intent before he can make good on it, and one of the vines around his ankles whips free faster than his eyes can follow. Moving on instinct, he brings the sword around in a cutting arc, fast enough that he can hear the air whistle past the blade. And the vine catches him, slithering snake-like up and around his wrist. He swears, loudly, loud enough that Karkat can hear and call back, "What's going on?" 

"Nothing," he shouts, but his voice his pitched high, breathy, and he's watching a vine creep up his arm and can feel the other one around his ankle making its way up and around that limb, too. He drops the sword and catches it in his free hand, which would have been a totally sweet and effective move, except then the vine around his leg goes painfully tight and outright lifts him into the air, swinging him upside-down. He doesn't scream, exactly, but he does let out a well deserved and totally justified shout of dismay. His instincts are still good enough that he doesn't drop the sword. Instead he swings it in a blind, frantic arc. If he can just catch the vine holding him up, maybe?

"What the fuck is going _on_ , back there?" Karkat is coming closer, and the first touch of real panic freezes Dave's guts. He can handle himself, obviously, this is nothing, he can get this back under control, but Karkat has no idea what he's walking into and defending them both might be a little difficult. The vines raise him higher, halfway to the skylights, and Dave subconsciously switches his own gravity off and tries to just fly away from it, kicking at the vine around his leg. It doesn't budge, and a third slithers up from wherever and darts for his other wrist, intent on disarming him. 

"Karkat," Dave calls back, trying to keep his voice even, "Listen, do _not_ fucking come back here!" 

"Yeah, right!" Closer. "I know exactly what you're doing, Dave! Trying to freak me out! Well, fuck you! I'm not freaked out at all!" 

"Well," Dave says, swinging the sword again -- this time it connects to something, and the plant shudders and spasms and almost, _almost_ lets him go. "Maybe you fucking should be, because shit got _crazy_ up in here, and just stay the fuck back, god damn you, get out!" 

The vine around his leg whips back and forth, shaking him in maybe something like rebuke, and from this angle Dave can see the source of all this bullshit -- that fucking pitcher plant, its center still sitting docile in its little corner while yet more vines sprout from the soil around it. All of them dart toward him. He wonders with almost clinical detachment if it's going to eat him. That's what pitcher plants do, he thinks he remembers reading. Or being told. They catch their prey and stick them in their pitchers and digest them. There's no way this is at all heroic or just, at least. Well, maybe.

"Sorry for calling you the ugliest plant I've ever seen," he tells it, just in case. 

The thing pulls him closer, close enough that Dave can see the individual leaves on its rotund body shiver and part. A seam opens in the middle, and the plant dangles him over its widening maw, vines tightening around his limbs. There's _something_ inside, pink and rough-textured and for a second Dave thinks it's literally a tongue, a god damn plant with a real ass tongue about to eat him alive. Dignity forgotten, he sucks in a breath to _actually_ scream, this time.

Except then it sneezes at him. 

This fine sort of powdery pink cloud puffs up and out of it, washing right through the space Dave is currently occupying. It smells sweet, like the shit coming out of the nozzles to feed it, and as the leafy layers of its central body peel back Dave realizes the pink thing in the middle is just this massive, giant-ass flower. Pink. The whole fucking world is a funny shade of pink. It's probably poisonous. Softening him up before dinner. He coughs, struggling feebly, and a fourth vine wraps itself around his off hand and almost gently pries the sword out of his grip. He thinks he can hear shouting, and he thinks he should recognize the voice.

It's hard to focus. Definitely poisonous. Cool. There's a metal sound somewhere in the distance. That thing had better not be eating my sword, he thinks, but the thought is hard to hold onto. He's gone from struggling and out of breath to just... hanging, suspended almost languidly over this thing's weird fucking flower core, and for the first time he notices the vines around him feel oddly warm where they're touching his skin in rings up his arms. They've got him pretty good, now, twin green spirals twining up past his elbows, creeping over his knees, turning him over in the air like a curiosity. Maybe it's like a cat. Likes to play with its food. He almost laughs.

He's aware enough to know that something is actually terribly wrong with him -- nothing about this situation should be _funny_ , what the fuck -- but he sucks in another pink-laced gasping breath and his fear recedes back into nothing. His breathing evens and deepens. His perception of the vines shifts; instead of imprisoning him, they're supporting him, cradling him gently in the air. It's kind of nice. The vine around his right arm slithers up and over his shoulder, and Dave blinks at it myopically, watching it move like a hypnotist's pocket watch. The rounded nub at the end of it blooms, sprouting clear fat filaments that glisten with moisture. It drags a sticky trail against his neck and up the side of his face, and Dave flinches away from it instinctively. What the fuck is _happening?_ He can't think. 

Someone is shouting his name. Probably not the plant. Karkat? Fuck. Why is he here? Why didn't he run? 

The wandering appendage brushes against his ear, and he shakes his head, weakly. It changes directions and bumps against his nose. Dave wrinkles it up and nudges it away. It traces his lips, and when Dave opens his mouth to mumble at it to fuck off, it darts between them, filling his mouth. His eyes widen, and not even the pink pollen cloud can bury the burst of sheer panic this new development stirs up. All his senses light up like he's been dunked in cold water. He thrashes in its grip, trying to wrench his face away. There's something sticky sweet filling his mouth, and in a flash of fear-laced clarity he seizes onto one pathetic thought -- _I really hope Karkat isn't seeing this_ \-- and then the thing forces his chin up and he shudders and swallows, because it's either that or choke on it. 

But once he has, it withdraws on its own, pulling back and letting him suck in a few deep, ragged breaths. His stomach lurches, and for a second he thinks he might puke -- that god damn thing was in his mouth! -- and then the nausea passes, and instead he starts feeling... warm. Very, very warm. Heat pools in his gut and spreads through him fast. His skin flushes, his limbs tingle, a chill rolls up his spine and he jerks in this thing's leafy grip, thoughts wheeling. His cheeks go numb, and suddenly it's like he's hyper aware of everything touching him at once. More dripping filaments are blooming from the ends of these vines, and the clear fluid is warm and tingles where it touches his skin.

Fuck, he thinks. The pressure of the vines is overwhelming, but even the simple feel of his clothes against his skin is suddenly too much. Oh, fuck. The heat in his middle fans itself into an all-out blaze, and he understands what's happening to him just in time to feel himself go uncomfortably stiff downstairs. Jesus _Christ._ This thing is some kind of freaky _sex plant_ , and Jade and a semi-omniscient being that is at least one-third of a Dave have been cultivating it, here, in this hive that they live in, together, and -- 

He shoves the thought away, just absolutely refuses to think about it. It's surprisingly easy to do, because his awareness is very quickly focusing down into a single, urgent point: Every part of him needs to be touched. He needs pressure, he needs heat, he needs, he needs -- he just, _needs._

The plant knows what he needs. 

Thank God. It seems to sense the change in him, and the vines around his legs twine up even as he squirms eagerly, tilting his hips obscenely in mid-air, inviting it. The vine around his left arm snakes up into his shirt sleeve and wends itself around him, down his back, and he actually moans at the sensation, at the smooth pressure down the length of his spine. Nothing to do for it, now. The thought of escaping this thing is so far gone it might as well have never existed. He's having trouble remembering why he wanted so badly to get away in the first place. The vine slides down around his hip and curls up, filaments blooming, liquid soaking his shirt. The hem bunches up, exposing the blotchy, flushed skin beneath to the air, and god, even just that is excruciating. He thinks he hears himself make a pathetic little whimpering sound, but it's hard to hear anything at all over the rush in his ears, the sound of his own heartbeat, and the promising rustle of hundreds of leaves in unison. 

The thing turns him in the air, all four appendages exploring ruthlessly, searching for more ways under his clothes. It flips him around, twisting around his middle, twining up and down his legs, finding the waistband of his jeans and diving under that like it's nothing. It wriggles into the tight space between his clothes and his skin. He lips part and a wordless groan grinds out of him; it's like his whole body is fanning itself into one continuous erogenous zone. It's incredible. It's unbearable. He's hard as hell and his dick is throbbing. His eyes roll up, his back arches, and he thinks he's mumbling something, begging for something. 

Held up this way, he's facing the direction he walked in from. And there on the muddy path below is Karkat Vantas, gaping up at him, something totally unreadable about his frozen expression. Dave's muscles all tense as he tries to reach out to him, but this saucy plant has him good and tangled up in itself, now, and his arms aren't going anywhere the plant doesn't want them to be. Karkat raises his arm, and Dave sees then that he's got a sickle in his hand, and it's kind of funny -- _don't do it,_ he thinks, but his face is kind of numb still and he can't exactly speak. He's got vines winding down his pant legs and really all he wants in the world right now is for them to stop fucking around and touch his dick, already. 

Karkat charges. Dave can hear him shouting, again, this wordless war cry, and it's flattering, it really is. His boyfriend is willing to charge down a massive fuckplant, just for him. Romance. The vines whip him around again, and he can't see what happens next, but he can hear it, kind of, over the sound of his own heavy breathing. Leaves rustling. Vines and flesh. The plant shudders once, twice, much like the way it did back when Dave had still been trying to swing a sword at it. Karkat's voice, high-pitched and terrified. _That_ breaks through the stupor a bit, prickling the back of his neck. Karkat. Gotta help Karkat. He kind of wiggles around uselessly in place. 

Another pink puff fills the air. The vines are _all_ blooming, now, clear filaments at the tips and now pink sticky-sweet buds opening all down the length of them. Dave's muscles all go slack at once, and he lets out this long, low, embarrassingly excessive moan. He closes his eyes and his brain helpfully supplies him with a thought: What if it were Karkat touching him like this? Cherry red instead of leafy green? Warm and wet and dragging himself over every part of him, tracing teasing paths up his thighs and down his chest. Instead of some terrifying foliage getting all fresh with his business, what if it were Karkat's tongue lapping at his swollen, oversensitive nipples, making him squirm, making him beg, then tracing up, leaving a wet trail in the hollow of his throat ... fuck, it's too easy to imagine. And too fucking effective.

This time, when a questing vine drags itself inquisitively over his lips, they part immediately and eagerly. It doesn't taste at all like Karkat, but the texture of the stuff, that's similar. The way it oozes out and coats his tongue is familiar. Dave drags his tongue against it, wondering faintly if the thing even feels pleasure, lingering on the soft, sweet texture of the buds. His brain gives up trying to process individual sensations. _Everything_ feels good. He hears something tear, and he thinks it was probably his pants, because an irritating pressure that was there before disappears completely. Instead, slick vines slide eagerly in, curling around the base of his dick, the blunted end of one dragging lightly over his balls.

His brain is on fire. He moans enthusiastically, willing it to keep going, to slide around him and work him in tight, spiraling coils, and it blessedly obliges. It also flips him around again, and that's when he finally sees what it's been doing to Karkat. 

_Ohhh, fuck,_ , he thinks, weakly. Karkat is just as tied up as he is -- maybe moreso. His eyes are wide and his pupils are so huge they're crowding out the red of his irises completely. His mouth is open and there's a red trickle leaking from the corner of his mouth. The vines seem to have learned from their experience with Dave, because they're already wriggling incessantly under Karkat's clothes, and -- and, _fuck_ \-- Dave whimpers again, muscles straining, trying to reach for him and failing utterly. Karkat blinks, slowly. A vine sprouts from under his collar and caresses his face. Dave's limbs all spasm with effort, and -- like it's realized something -- the plant swings him closer, closer. If it would let him go, just one arm, he could maybe reach. 

But it doesn't. It just holds them there, inches apart, seeking out their most sensitive places. Oh, fuck. If he has to actually stare at Karkat while this is going on he might actually just fucking _die._ His heart can't possibly keep this pace up, god or no. 

Karkat's eyes seem to focus, slightly. His brow wrinkles. His lips move like he's going to say something, and the vine tracing a wet path up his cheek takes the opportunity to dart in. Karkat sputters, makes a choking sound, and then the vine _whips_ itself away from him so fucking fast that Dave doesn't realize what even happened -- until Karkat spits a little pink bud out. 

"Dude," he gasps, and his voice is raspy, thick. "Did you just _bite_ that thing?" 

"Dave," Karkat says, frantically. "Listen. We just need to --" 

And then another puff of pink pollen fills the air, and the rest of whatever he's saying melts into wordless, aural goop. 

Dave tries to respond, but when he sucks in a breath to speak he gets another lungful of plant drugs and his tongue suddenly feels too big for his mouth. His head lolls forward. Karkat makes a low, graveling rumbling sound, the sort of sound he only makes when he's _real_ worked up. Not immune, then. Resistant, maybe. Dave wonders semi-hysterically if the amount of pollen this thing needs to subdue Karkat might actually kill a human. 

"It just wants," Karkat croaks out, and Dave hears him swallow, heavily, "I mean, I _think_ what it wants, is... It feels like -- oh, _god,_ " Karkat moans, and Dave wants to lift his head and see what's happening, but he simply cannot. Moving is over. Thinking, too. Almost. Wet sounds. His dick throbs. Vines move. It feels good. Everything feels good, too good, warm and wet and just enough pressure, just enough friction, but he can't fucking come. His legs twitch. The vine rubbing all up against his balls slides over them and back, instead, and Dave mumbles something that would have probably been pretty frantic if he wasn't all blitzed out on fuck pollen. 

He'd imagine it was Karkat, again, but the fantasy doesn't work, because this really feels nothing like that. Karkat is always careful, mindful, _sentiently aware,_ and this thing is greedy, just finding and claiming the places that are warm and wet. He squeezes his eyes shut as it prods over and against him, sensing an entrance and demanding in. But surprisingly, there's no pain. Just a warm sensation, a telltale tingle as the flower sap coats him, and the sudden sense of being filled maybe just beyond capacity. He hears himself groan, feels himself arch up, moving with this thing inside him. 

"Dave," Karkat is gasping, frantically, so close. So fucking close! Dave opens his eyes. He's so fucking full, and it won't stop moving, deeper and deeper. He sucks in a ragged breath and moans again, lost in it. The size is different. The texture. The fucking primal, uncaring hunger of it, writhing inside him. 

"Fuck," he thinks he hears himself saying, over and over. Fuck, fuck, _fuck._ His legs are shaking, his balls are aching with the need to just fucking _release,_ already. But the vines around his dick loosen and slide away, and the frustrated cry he lets out turns into a gasp when he opens his eyes and realizes why.

The thing is _all over_ Karkat. It has his pants open, his bulge squirming free in the air, apparently this thing has decided Karkat tastes way better than him, because it's twining itself with Karkat's junk with obscene eagerness. And Karkat isn't really fighting it, anymore. God, but he's hot, quivering in suspended bliss, shirt pulled up and pants pulled open, breathing hard and rattling with alien sounds of pleasure. Karkat lets out a breathy string of rasping curses, and Dave can't see behind him, but he can _imagine_ , and the thought of them both hanging here being fucked out of their minds by the same entity, held inches apart, is totally overwhelming. He shivers, rolling against the heat and pressure inside him, dick twitching in the air. 

It seems to really notice, then, to somehow understand the effect that seeing each other has on them. Dave practically feels the idea shudder through it, and then this plant in its magnanimous wisdom is pushing them together, finally. Karkat's head snaps up and Dave lets out a noise that's half moan and half sigh. Their chests press together, a few stray vines wriggling between them. The tight coils around his arms and shoulders slacken, loosing into loops that let him reach eagerly forward. The second his arms fall over Karkat's shoulders, the coils tighten again, but Karkat is sliding _his_ arms around Dave's waist, breathing heavily into his neck, and it still feels so fucking _good._ Better than ever. He moans incoherently, squeezing Karkat against him. The vines around them shiver, and Dave feels them coil around the both of them, binding them together. 

"This," Karkat says, rasping into his ear, "is by _far_ ," he sucks in another breath, "the kinkiest shit we have _ever_ done." 

"Fuck," Dave responds, because he's had like a dozen doses of plant drugs and wit and eloquence are completely beyond him. "Karkat, oh, fuck, it's just so, I'm so _fucking_ , oh, my god, _Karkat._ " 

"No fucking shit," Karkat agrees, and he's purring, again, his chest rumbling against him, and Dave tightens his arms around him as much as he can, and holy shit, they're being fucked blind by a goddamn plant, and it feels _so fucking good._ Their hips slide together in frantic motion, and Karkat's bulge finds his dick like it's easy as instinct. The vines join them, winding up and around and in and _everywhere_ , and finally, finally, _finally_ Dave feels the edge getting closer.

"I'm gonna," he pants, not bothering to finish the thought. "Oh, fuck, dude, Karkat, I'm gonna fuckin..." 

"Maybe," Karkat gasps, "That's what it, maybe _wants._ " 

Karkat's bulge pulses around him, tight and wet and familiar, the plant wiggles enthusiastically in his ass, and he comes so hard he actually sees stars. Or at least, white sunbursts against the back of his goddamn eyelids. He clutches Karkat tight, his entire body shuddering with it, and he feels a telltale bloom of fresh wet heat around his semi-soft dick. Karkat's fingers dig into his back, the vines slide and tighten around them, and Dave realizes two things in his post-orgasmic daze. First, that his dick is stuck at half-mast, seemingly unwilling to give up entirely, and second, the plant is holding them right above its pink petal-filled maw, and a hysterical laugh bubbles out of him as he thinks, _fertilizer._

"What the fuck," Karkat grates out against him, and Dave realizes he said that out loud. He shakes against him, giggling like a fucking loon. Fresh heat, below. God, Karkat is incredible. He just goes, and goes, and _goes_. His pleasure is dripping in thin rivulets down both their thighs, and he hasn't even actually come, yet. The plant seems to realize that Dave, at least, is done for the moment, which is a fucking relief, because the overstimulation was starting to be vaguely painful. He wraps himself as tight around Karkat as he can, feeling stretched and used and empty as the thing withdraws itself. 

"It wants you, man," he mumbles, and Karkat lifts his chin and closes his eyes, tilting his head back and biting his lip like he's focusing everything he has on the platonic ideal of an orgasm. Dave giggles again, but something definitely flutters in his middle, watching his face like this. His skin is still flushed hot, his body still reacting to the pollen in the air. Karkat's hips squirm against his, his bulge squeezes around his half-hard dick, and they both gasp together as another hot sheet of genetic material coats them both. 

And drips over and into the greedy core of this god damned plant. Again, and again, and again. Karkat shakes against him. He's getting close. Dave can always tell. 

But before he can finish, the plant rustles around them with more fervor, loosening the coils around them in a sudden and startling motion. Dave clutches Karkat against him, gasping as the apparently satisfied plant pushes them away from its center, and then all the vines go slack at once. They lurch in the air. Karkat makes a dismayed sound. Dave hears more clothing tear as the vines withdraw, whipping irreverently free. His addled brain has just enough juice left in it to realize that he'd better fucking get a good grip on his boyfriend, because Karkat can't fly. 

He hooks his arms under Karkat's just as the last few vines retract back into the wet, loamy ground, but there's no way he can hold them both up for long, so he just clumsily half-glides, half-lurches them both to the ground. Neither of them have the strength to stand, either, so they both just kind of topple over into the mud together. Karkat lands heavily atop him, but Dave doesn't mind the weight. Never has. 

They just lay there breathing, for a second. And then he laughs again. It's a little high pitched. A little frenzied. "Oh my god," he gasps, between bouts of it. "Karkat, oh my god. Oh, Christ. You were too much for it. Did it think you were done?" He presses his face against Karkat's shoulder, choking on his own giggles. His skin still feels too hot, too sensitive, especially in the wet, sticky places where the vines left their trails on him. 

"Shut up!" Karkat sounds anything but amused. "It is not -- funny, what is wrong with -- are you _okay?_ " 

Dave nods against him, trying and failing to swallow his laughter. It won't stop. He nods harder. "I'm fine," he manages. "I'm high as hell, I think, I'm -- I just fucking came, and I think I could -- do you want...?" He squirms his hips against Karkat's. "You didn't get to..." 

Karkat mutters something under his breath, but Dave can see his eyes, still all dilated to shit, feel his troll bloodpusher thrumming in the crease of his throat as he nuzzles up against the skin, there. Oh, yeah. He wants it. Which is good, because Dave can feel his second wind coming on strong and everything else still seems too far away to give half a shit about, yet. 

"Come on," he says, wiggling his pants the rest of the way down his thighs. They're kind of disgusting, honestly, especially all down the front, soaked through with plant juice and troll jizz. "What's the point of resisting it? You think it'll make it wear off any faster?" His guts are a pool of greedy heat, again, the need building the longer he goes without giving in to it. Karkat _must_ be feeling that, too. 

"Fuck," Karkat breathes out, and the way he bites his lip again practically confirms it. His bulge is still writhing between them, independently of whatever shit he's almost certainly overthinking, and Dave presses his palms against Karkat's ass and pushes his hips up, sliding hungrily against him. Karkat lets out this long, low, incredible growling sound, and props himself up onto his hands and knees. Dave blinks up at him, sliding his hands up his sides.

"Yeah, fuck," he agrees. "Fuck me, specifically. Come on. Get in here, I want it, I fucking need it, Karkat, please." He didn't mean to start begging. It just kind of happens as a natural consequence of the situation. "I want you to finish, come on, finish with me, _Karkat._ " He wraps his arms up around his neck. Karkat blinks down at him. 

"I thought you _were_ finished," he says, and he seems simultaneously suspicious and also relieved to be mistaken. 

"Are you kidding? I've got, like, the stamina of the gods, man." He tilts his hips up. Karkat's bulge meets him eagerly, moving against him. "On account of being a literal god. And also, super fucking high on garden aphrodisiacs, dude, I cannot possibly stress enough how bad I need you to fuck me, right now, and I know you got a few good lungfuls of that shit so don't even _try_ to act like you're anything other than a hundred percent down, right now --" 

"Fine! Yes!" Karkat sits up on his knees. "You win! A hundred?! Try a thousand, Dave!" He slides his around the back of Dave's legs, dragging them up. He yanks his pants off the rest of the way with an impatient growl, and Dave's words all melt off into a long, appreciative exhalation. 

"Fuck yes," he sighs, squirming with his back in the literal dirt while Karkat bends him in half, gripping his legs and pushing them apart. "Fuck, do it, Karkat, just fucking -- _ah_ , just, please." 

"Are you --" 

" _Yes_ , fuck, come on --" 

Karkat growls again, yanks Dave flush against him -- it's so fucking hot how he just _does_ that, putting Dave right where he wants him -- and Dave groans out wordless encouragements as his bulge finds his entrance and works the slick tip of itself in. The rest follows easy, easier than usual, thanks both to the pollen high and the outrageous plantfucking not ten minutes prior, and it's god damn _exquisite._ Karkat lets out a ragged gasp, then leans over him and rocks his hips. "Oh, god," he gasps, punctuating the crest of each movement. "Oh, _fuck._ Dave, ah, yeah, _yes_ , shit!" 

Dave watches his face as long as he can, until the sensation of it is just too much, way too fucking much, and he falls back and squeezes his eyes shut and just groans nonsense up at the indoor canopy and the skylights beyond. God, it's so much. He thinks he's saying that out loud. It's so much, so much, so _much._ His second orgasm barely registers against the molten background of this entire full body sensation, and Karkat certainly doesn't seem to care -- if anything, he leans in and goes harder. Hot tears born from pure overstimulation leak out of the corners of his eyes, tracking down the sides of his face, and he's still begging for it, more, more, _more._

He feels the moment Karkat lets go, because it fills him like it always does and then some, stretching him in a specific and alarming way that makes his eyes fly wide open. His moans and nonsensical sex rambles stutter off into choking gasps, and god, it's so _hot_ , it's so -- this moment, when he's full to bursting and trapped with it, Karkat's bulge busy with its final spasms inside him, holding it all in -- he would fucking die for the god damned distilled bliss that is this feeling. 

It lasts longer than it usually does. More pollen bullshit, probably. Karkat mumbles something incoherent, shuddering while his bulge tries to decide if it's actually done or not. Dave lets out a faint, wobbly laugh, blinking the tears out of his eyes. Holy fucking _Jesus._ His dick has finally had enough, but the simple sensation of skin on skin contact is still registering as absurdly pleasurable, so he wraps his arms and legs around Karkat and just holds him, breathing hard. Karkat shivers and presses wet kisses up the side of his neck. It feels amazing. Everything still feels so fucking amazing. 

"How long is this going to last?" Karkat says, finally, muffled into Dave's skin. "God, we need... We can't just... Dave, holy fuck." 

"Holy fuck," Dave agrees in a languid mumble.

"We just -- this isn't even our hive." 

"Listen," Dave says. "If they aren't going to warn us about their crazy fucking sex plants, they can't be mad when shit like this goes down." 

"Oh my fucking god. No! Absolutely not! No one can _ever fucking know_ that any of this happened!" Karkat heaves himself back up onto his knees, blinking furiously. And Dave can't help it; he starts to laugh again. " _Ever!_ No! Stop laughing! It's not fucking funny, Dave!" Karkat slaps his thigh hard enough to sting, and Dave squirms half-heartedly away, trying to swallow his giggles. Fuck, his stomach hurts. Most of the pink has gone out of the air now, and the tingling is wearing off, leaving a dull, full-body ache behind. 

Fuck. Karkat is right; they have to clean up. No one can ever fucking know. 

He swallows down another giggle and sits up. His clothes are in god damn tatters, his nipples feel chafed, his ass is sore, and there's a puddle of genetic fluid soaking into the floor. Great. Nice. Perfect. 

"Jesus," he says, sucking in a shaky breath. "I don't know. We'd better like, find that fucking hose again, I guess." 

And Karkat nods, so solemnly that Dave has to bite his tongue to keep from dissolving into another fit of spastic giggles. 

*

GG: hey, you!!!  
GG: you know i REALLY didnt think id actually be saying this  
GG: but you two actually did a great job! :D  
GG: i thought we would come back to at least a few poor little wilted things  
GG: but nope! not at all   
GG: what a shock!   
GG: im so proud :')  
GG: ill get you both into gardening yet >:D  
TG: yeah uh   
TG: probably not  
GG: booooo  
GG: you dont know what youre missing!!!  
GG: well i guess you kind of do now a little  
TG: i think were perfectly content here with the potted plants youve already foisted off on us and the occasional visit to your hellish hive jungle thanks  
TG: no need to duplicate that particular experiment  
GG: hmm  
TG: hmm what  
GG: you saw the big leafy guy in the corner, right?   
TG: uh  
GG: well of course you did you were obviously taking really good care of it  
GG: that thing is WAY bigger than it was when we left! :O  
GG: i cant believe its only been 3 days!   
GG: you know next time i think we might take a longer break, you two can obviously handle things just fine here  
TG: hey now  
GG: gosh davepeta is going to be smug about this!  
GG: they believed in you the whole time and im ashamed to say i definitely did not   
TG: wait  
GG: sorry :(  
TG: no i mean  
TG: that... the leafy guy  
TG: you dont  
TG: uh i mean  
TG: how much do you know about it  
GG: that one? its kind of funny looking, isnt it? but kind of cute. kind of ugly cute, like a really lumpy frog   
TG: i dont even know how to respond to this  
GG: :P  
TG: where did it come from  
GG: i dont know! davepeta found it :o  
GG: they said its more a troll world sort of species  
GG: and one day wed figure out its mysteries together  
TG: oh god  
TG: no  
TG: stop  
GG: what? :O  
TG: nevermind  
GG: wait! did karkat recognize it?  
GG: does he know what it is???   
GG: hey!  
GG: dave!  
GG: daaaaaave >:O  
TG: ask your cat boyfriend im never talking about this again and i mean it  
TG: this door is slamming shut so fast its threatening to take a piece of your ass with it  
GG: omg  
TG: god damn it  
TG: pretend that was less of an innuendo laden phrase  
TG: no fuck this were done  
TG: good luck with your catbird and his freaky plant plans  
GG: what happened??   
TG: bye  
GG: damn it dave  
GG: tell me!  
GG: tell me!!   
GG: telll meeeeeee >:O!!!  


He tosses his phone to the other side of the bed, staring at it like it's a live snake.

_Troll world species?_

A few things click into place in the hazy film of his recollection, and he sits up straight, jaw dropping. Oh my fuck. He dives for his phone, again.

TG: oh my fucking GOD  
TG: you absolute little shit  
TG: you know the whole time didnt you  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.  
TG: the plant   
TG: the fucking plant  
TG: the LITERAL fucking plant  
CG: ....  
TG: you fucking knew   
TG: "more of a troll world species" unbelievable  
CG: LISTEN  
TG: unbelievable!  
CG: I DIDN'T *KNOW*  
CG: I MEAN, NOT UNTIL I SAW IT, BUT BY THEN YOU WERE ALREADY... WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!  
TG: i....... dont know  
TG: something  
TG: maybe like hey bro its chill this thing is just here for our jizz or i guess maybe just yours specifically and then itll let us live in peace  
TG: i thought i was gonna fuckin die for awhile there  
TG: and you knew the whole time lmao jesus christ  
CG: I WASN'T EXACTLY THINKING CLEARLY???  
CG: AND BY THE TIME THERE WAS TIME TO TALK IT WAS ALL ALREADY DONE!  
CG: AND UH  
CG: IT'S AWKWARD, OK?  
TG: it sure is  
CG: WHAT EVEN PROMPTED THIS?  
TG: jades home  
CG: OH  
CG: WAIT, WHAT?  
CG: YOU DIDN'T *TALK* ABOUT IT WITH HER, DID YOU?!  
TG: not that specifically no  
TG: obviously not wtf  
TG: but like  
TG: she said like look ok shes the one that brought it up and   
TG: you know what  
TG: ...  
TG: it doesnt matter  
TG: it doesnt fuckin matter at all does it  
TG: cant believe i fucked a plant  
TG: or you know maybe the other way around  
TG: damn  
CG: ...ARE YOU OK?  
TG: im good  
TG: just feelin a little existential at the moment  
TG: ive literally now been thoroughly and explicitly boned by two separate alien species  
TG: we gotta be careful karkat this is becoming a worrisome pattern in my life  
CG: I'M SORRY I DIDN'T TELL YOU. I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.   
CG: UH, IT'S NOT ... I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT THAT COMMON  
CG: AT LEAST THEY WEREN'T ON ALTERNIA  
CG: THE DRONES HUNTED THEM PRETTY MUCH TO EXTINCTION, SO ALL THE KNOWLEDGE I HAD OF THEM WAS PRETTY FUCKING THEORETICAL, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.  
CG: THEY TENDED TO CROP UP AROUND MOTHER GRUB DENS, AND   
CG: UH  
CG: I GUESS IT REALLY IS A BRAVE NEW WORLD OUT HERE.  
TG: lol  
TG: i guess i just feel kind of awkward  
TG: all not knowing shit and spending the last three days wondering what the fuck even was that while you just knew all along  
CG: SORRY.   
TG: nah  
TG: its fine  
TG: i actually kind of feel better about it knowing theres an explanation  
CG: SHOULD WE... UH  
CG: WARN HER? JADE, I MEAN.   
TG: davepeta is like fucking half troll man  
TG: they know exactly what theyre doing  
CG: OH GOD.   
CG: NO, NO, NO. NO!   
CG: I'M SCRUBBING THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION FROM MY RECOLLECTION CORTEX  
TG: do mine after  
TG: please  
CG: GOD.  
CG: NEVER MAKE ME THINK ABOUT THIS AGAIN, PLEASE. I'M BEGGING YOU.   
TG: deal  
CG: THANK YOU.  
TG: although  
CG: NO  
CG: DON'T FINISH THAT THOUGHT!  
TG: you were like super fucking hot dude  
CG: GOD DAMN IT  
TG: like fuckin mega irresistible  
TG: which is saying a lot cause youre already pretty distracting on a normal day  
CG: STOP!!  
TG: lol  
TG: sorry  
TG: i just wanted to throw that out there before we close the book on this one for good  
TG: anyway  
CG: OK. YOU WERE GOOD, TOO. I MEAN, YOU WERE. UH. I LIKED IT. YEAH.   
TG: good talk  
CG: NOT REALLY  
TG: out of curiosity  
TG: if we had the chance  
TG: would you do it again  
CG: ...WOULD YOU?  


A few long moments pass. The cursor blinks expectantly. Heat crawls up Dave's neck and he feels his cheeks flush pink. He shakes his head.

TG: lets just pretend i didnt ask that   
CG: YEAH! UH, YEAH. OKAY. GOOD IDEA. CONSIDER IT FORGOTTEN, FOREVER.   
TG: sweet  
CG: GOOD.   
TG: yeah ...  
CG: ...   


He stands up. Scratches the back of his head.

TG: im coming upstairs  
CG: OH, THANK GOD.   


He takes the stairs two at a time, and he knows he's wearing this totally excessive, stupid grin, but try as he might, he can't quite seem to make it go away.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr [@landofsomethingsomething!](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)


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